The Improbable Event Monitoring System - IEMS

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TABLE OF CONTENTS

1.0 PURPOSE Page 3
2.0 DISCUSSION Page 3
3.0 REFERENCES Page 4
4.0 LIMITS AND PRECAUTIONS Page 4
5.0 PREREQUISITES Page 5
6.0 PROCEDURE Page 6
6.1 LOGA - Loss of Gravity Accident Page 6
6.2 LOAA - Loss of Atmosphere Accident Page 7
6.3 LORA - Loss of River Accident Page 7
6.4 LOMIA - Loss of Management Integrity Accident Page 8
7.0 PRESTARTUP CHECKLIST Page 9
8.0 SHUTDOWN CHECKLIST Page 9
9.0 DATA SHEETS Page 9


1.0 PURPOSE

The intent of this procedure is to provide guidance for the use and operation of the Improbable Event Monitoring System and its associated interface with the Emergency Environment Restoration System.

2.0 DISCUSSION
The Improbable Event Monitoring System (IEMS) constantly interrogates all the known environmental parameters at the Power Plant and searches for certain improbable combinations. Once these unique combinations of inputs are identified, and appropriate signal is sent to the Emergency Environment Restoration System (EERS) which performs the correct restorative process to bring the affected parameters into line.
The IEMS interrogates the following points to determine an Improbable Event:

  1. P1022, "Unit 2 Acceleration Due to Gravity"
  2. P1023, "Unit 2 Ambient Atmospheric Pressure"
  3. P1024, "Unit 2 Ambient Atmospheric Oxygen Content"
  4. P1025, "Unit 2 Sockquehanna River Integrity"
  5. P1026, "Unit 2 Management Integrity"
The IEMS compares these points with their associated normal ranges. These ranges are:
  1. P1022 = 32ft/s2 + .5% (9.8 m/s2)
  2. P1023 = 14.69 psia + 8%
  3. P1024 = 19.7% + .5%
  4. P1025 = Present and flowing
  5. P1026 = Top level management has been shuffled at least once within the past week.
If a point is found to be in violation of these ranges of values, the appropriate alarm is generated and the EERS is informed of a probable Improbable Event which it will consequently bring back within the acceptable range.
The EERS is composed of four subsystems:
  1. Gravity Maintenance System (GMS)
  2. Atmosphere Maintenance System (AMS)
  3. River Maintenance System (RMS)
  4. Management Integrity Maintenance System (MIMS)
Upon initiation of the Gravity Maintenance System, the four Coronal Electromagnetic Pulse Gravity Generators will almost instantaneously restore the local gravitational field to normal.
Upon initiation of the Atmosphere Maintenance System, the Unit 2 Electrolytic Oxygen Generators will pull enough free oxygen from the Sockquehanna River to maintain an adequate percentage of local atmospheric oxygen content.

UPON SIMULTANEOUS OCCURRENCES OF A LOSS OF RIVER ACCIDENT AND A LOSS OF ATMOSPHERE ACCIDENT, PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO KYAGB-101, " Kiss Your Ass Good- Bye".

Upon initiation of the River Maintenance System, the Unit 2 Backup River Generators exercises the right of eminent domain on the surrounding local communities and commandeers all well water for use in Unit 2. An added advantage of this system is the eventual dehydration of the dissident local antinuklear spokespersons in the area.
The Management Integrity Maintenance System works in strange and mysterious ways, similar to the NRSee's methods of operation.

3.0 REFERENCES

  1. KYAGB-101, " Kiss Your Ass Good- Bye" procedure.
  2. Boiley Controls vendor manual for the Improbable Event Monitor.
  3. Bubcock-Wolcox vendor manual for the Emergency Environment Restoration system, Model # G.O.D. 2.1.

4.0 LIMITS AND PRECAUTIONS
The IEMS and EERS are extremely powerful systems. Great care must be exercised to avoid inadvertent actuation or intentional misuse.
The GMS shall not be utilized to maintain an artificially low acceleration due to gravity. Although this system could be used to render objects lighter, thus facilitating the rapid construction or erection of scaffolding and buildings or the movement of heavy objects, this practice is heavily frowned upon.
There is no credance to the rumor that the GMS will be used to induce a negative gravity environment in the reactor building to raise the reactor head and plenum, thus bypassing any required Polar Crane testing, although this could prove to be a novel approach.
The RMS shall not be used to move the Sockquehanna River to a more convenient location without the written consent of the affected land owners, the Pennsyltucky EPA, the NRSee Advisory Board, Neopolitan Edison and Filthydelphia Electric Company who have a vested interest in maintaining the river in its current location due to its proximity in relation to the Hydroelectric stations at Safe Barbor, Coltwood, Konowingo and the nuclear station at Apricot Bottom.
The MIMS shall not be used to maintain an artificial status quo or stability in upper-level management. Management must be shifted at least once a month, whether it needs it or not.

5.0 PREREQUISITES
For verification purposes, obtain the following:

Operators and other essential personnel should be cautioned about walking on walls and ceilings, jumping, throwing or tossing objects or any sudden change of direction during a LOGA (Loss of Gravity Accident). The Gravity Maintenance System is likely to restore normal gravity at any time thus inducing an immediate force on any currently suspended, levitated or flying object. Affected objects will experience a rapid acceleration towards the floor with a subsequent and somewhat uncomfortable deceleration upon impact.
Be advised that water skiers, swimmers, boaters and other aquatic enthusiasts are somewhat less than enthused with LORA's (Loss of River Accidents), especially while partaking of their respective activities. Extreme care and patience are essential when dealing with these people during accident conditions.
During LOMIA's (Loss of Management Integrity Accidents), NRSee officials are known to exhibit symptoms of severe paranoia and insecurity. A high level management reorganization, reassignment or resignations should be immediately instituted to appease the officials.

6.0 PROCEDURE

6.1 LOGA-Loss of Gravity Accident

Symptoms.
Any of the following indicate a reduction, complete loss of, or a reversal of gravity on the Island.
Operators or other personnel appear to be walking on air. See also-"Mind Altering Substance Memo."
Operators or other personnel appear to be walking on water. Disregard if subject sited appears to be Jesus Christ or Adm. Hyman Rickover.
It is rumored that high level Bochtel employees have this capability normally.
Receipt of "Unit 2 Lo-Lo Gravity Alarm" and indication on the Unit 2 Gravimeter that gravity is dropping off.
Clouds, Moon or Sun appear to be drifting away.
Inability of loose objects or sleeping operators to remain at rest. (Significant drift of chairs, calculators, plant operators in any direction from the desired setpoints)

Actions.
Verify that two or more of these conditions exist before manual activation of the Gravity Maintenance System.
Symptom 6.1.1.e is sufficient evidence for identifying a LOGA. Immediately activate the GMS so as to keep excessive loss of essential property and personnel to a minimum.

Exceptions.
If the LOGA appears to be localized to the Radwaste Storage area, take no action. Loss of radwaste is of no concern to the utility.
If the LOGA appears to be isolated to the NRSee offices, Bochtel or Catalatic trailers and offices, take no action. Loss of NRSee officials or Bochtel and Catelytic employees is of no concern to the utility.

Post-Accident Considerations.
Verify by remote video camera that the core void has not moved to the bottom of the core. This could result in an unstable core configuration.
Assess loss or damage to plant and personnel. Write appropriate Work Orders's for repair of equipment and contact personnel about possible positions made available as a result of the accident.

6.2 LOAA-Loss of Atmosphere Accident.

Symptoms.
Any of the following indicate a reduction in oxygen content or a severe loss in atmospheric pressure.
Shortness of breath.
Do not confuse with lunch time joggers.
Pale or blue complexion.
An unusual number of lifeless bodies are strewn about the site.
Low flying or plummeting birds and planes.
Take into account the normal approaches to the airport-planes only, birds have no use for an airport.

Actions.
Upon verification of any of the preceding, immediately activate the Atmospheric Maintenance System.

Exceptions.
No provision is made for restoring the atmosphere to the NRSee trailers and offices.

The Management Integrity Maintenance System interlock may auto-fail the atmospheric restoration in the Administration Building so as to initiate a high level management turnover. Do not interfere at this time.

Post-Accident Considerations.
Assess damage or loss of personnel and inform Human Resources of the positions now available at Unit 2.
Inform the NRSee Headquarters that we require new On-Site Inspectors and have the old ones removed.
Call Adm. Hyman Rickover and offer him a position in utility's management on the site.

6.3 LORA-Loss of River Accident

Symptoms.
Any of the following indicate a loss of river water, river bed, or the entire Sockquehanna Basin.
No water in the river. Several methods of verification.
Objects thrown into the river cause no splashes or ripples.
An unusual number of boats appear to be stuck in the mud.
Swimming has become exceedingly slow and tedious.
Reports of major flooding East of Rt. 13. In this case someone has moved the river. Have them put it back.

Actions.
Upon verification of any of the preceding, immediately activate the River Maintenance System.

Exceptions.None.

Post-Accident Considerations.
If the riverbed is intact, but no water is flowing, the river is broken. Write a Work Order to have it fixed. Use QC parts only.
If the entire river is missing and it cannot be found, submit a request to have a new one purchased and installed. This should be a Priority 1 job.

6.4 LOMIA-Loss of Management Integrity Accident

Symptoms.
Undefined at this point. Even the NRSee seems to be confused on this point. These concerns usually manifest themselves during rumors of a Unit 1 restart.

Actions.
In order to placate the NRSee, weekly management shuffle should be scheduled. This has proven to be the most effective fix in the past.
Should step 6.4.2.a fail to rectify matters, hire a highly respected retired admiral from the Nuklear Navy and offer to donate large quantities of money, in small unmarked bills, to his favorite charity. Have him then conduct his own independent and unbiased investigation into the current set of allegations. This method has proven extremely effective in the past.

Exceptions. None.

Post-Accident Considerations
If all else fails, change the name of the company. Names not to use:

  1. Pennsyltucky Power & Light
  2. GP OOh Nuclear Corporation.
  3. Filthydelphia Electric Company
  4. Kong, Jones, Wong and Associates.
  5. Victor Golansky Memorial Spent Fuel Repository.
7.0 PRESTARTUP CHECKLIST
Are you kidding?

8.0 SHUTDOWN CHECKLIST
Test water with finger. If it's cool, it's shut down.

9.0 DATA SHEETS
None. Never put it in writing.